


It's All Coming Back to Me Now

by CatelynTsukino



Series: GoT based stories [6]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Abduction, Aged-Up Brienne of Tarth, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Divergence - Tourney at Harrenhal, Death in Childbirth, Depression, Dubious Consent, F/M, Miscarriage, No Robert's Rebellion | Robert Baratheon Never Rebels Against the Targaryens, Post-Episode: s08e05 The Bells, Time Travel, Unresolved Emotional Tension, it doesn't mean things are peaceful though
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-20
Updated: 2021-03-21
Packaged: 2021-03-29 00:47:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30148173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatelynTsukino/pseuds/CatelynTsukino
Summary: Brienne dies on her way to King's Landing, not too long after Jaime's death. Instead of being graced with a peaceful afterlife, she is sent back to the year of the infamous Tourney at Harrenhal, where everything began. Soon she finds out Jaime was also sent back.Can they work through their hurts as they try to rewrite history? Or are they doomed to relive the horrors and heartbreaks of their previous lives?
Relationships: Ashara Dayne/Ned Stark, Brandon Stark/Catelyn Tully Stark, Cersei Lannister/Rhaegar Targaryen, Jaime Lannister/Brienne of Tarth, Lysa Tully Arryn/Petyr Baelish, Robert Baratheon/Lyanna Stark
Series: GoT based stories [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2120760
Comments: 43
Kudos: 100





	1. Back to Black

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I'm aware that (1) I have way too many ongoing fics already and (2) I'm on Lent. But (1) I never claimed to have self control and (2) today is a festive day (St. Joseph's Day), meaning I'm freeeeeeee :D  
> This story has book and show elements mixed. I always do this, but it's inevitable to do so going so far back in time. The show is never entirely clear about Robert's Rebellion, especially after Robert and Ned died, so one must use book canon to write an AU set in that time. That being said, show canon will be favored over fan theories regarding the books. I'll detail it at each chapter.  
> Title comes from Celine Dion's 'It's all coming back to me now'. In fact, all chapter titles will come from songs hehe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter that earned the TW of miscarriage. It's not that graphic, but it's not glossed over either.  
> Title comes from Amy Winehouse's 'Back to black'. Its lyrics fit Braime's show ending better than it should...

When her moon blood doesn't come at the full moon, days after Jaime's departure, she doesn't think much of it. It's never really been regular, especially after she left Tarth. Back on the road, she'd go two or three moons without it coming. It had somewhat gone back to normal when she settled in Winterfell, but not entirely—at least, not to the point she'd worry about a few days' delay.

In fact, she only gets concerned another moon turn later, when Lady Sansa receives confirmation of Jaime's death alongside his twin's, as well as a report regarding the fall of King's Landing—which she predicted and _warned_ Jaime about—and the Dragon Queen's death at the hands of her lover—that, she could not have foreseen. Her liege lady announces they must go to the ruined city for a Great Council meeting, and Brienne promptly packs her things. A few days into the road, however, she feels a sharp pain in her belly, followed by bleeding.

It comes more intensely than usual, both in account of the amount of bleeding and the intensity of her cramps. It reaches a point where Lady Sansa takes pause on their journey so she can get proper rest. Normally, she'd object, but she's too weak to protest and just lets herself be looked after. Lady Sansa's kind touch does not resemble Jaime's at all, and yet she's reminded of how gentle he was with her back in that month.

Her physical suffering only lasts three days, though, and soon she's back on the road. Podrick keeps sending her strange looks, as if there is a question on the tip of his tongue, but he doesn't dare voicing it. She wonders how familiar he is with womanly issues; she always hid her moon blood periods from him, which was easy back then, given the time between each bleeding and the near lack of pain and side effects. Usually, all Brienne felt was a tenderness in her breasts, which haven't bothered her in years; the cramps she had now are something completely new, and she hopes them to be a one-time thing.

Her emotional suffering, though, is another matter entirely, one she does not dare show to the world. Lady Sansa has known about her and Jaime since before they truly got together, and although she never vocally disapproved, she never took part of her joy in it either. Whether it was due to her own personal issues with him or due to her distrust in men in general, she didn't know. So, when Jaime coldly left her to ride to his death, she didn't explain the details of his departure to Sansa, only that he left. It hurt too much to say anything more.

Brienne has learned, from her experience with Renly, that time heals most wounds. Rationally, she is sure that she will eventually move on from Jaime. However, her heart soundly disagrees. Her soul screams that he had been the one for her, and nobody will ever replace him—there is simply no getting over him.

Still, she keeps her head held high. No one will see her grief, for it is her own to bear. If nobody sees it, nobody will judge it or give 'advice'; she doesn't need any of that. Her time with Jaime is something that belonged to them and them alone—and now, to her and her alone. She won't let anyone else in.

Of course, for it to happen, she must be of sound mind, which soon she finds herself not to be, when she wakes up one morning with the highest fever.

* * *

After examining her from head to toe, the maester asks whether she had sex in the past two months— _yes, she did_ —and if her moon blood is late. "It came late", she whispers, "but came nonetheless."

Lady Sansa, however, is quick to describe how painful those three days were for her, which makes the maester pause. "My lady", he tells her eventually, "it seems to me that you had a miscarriage, and its remains left room for infection to set in. It happens sometimes, especially when the woman does not realize her 'moon blood' is actually an abortion."

She sobs when she finally convinces Lady Sansa to leave her alone for a few moments. A miscarriage means she had gotten pregnant by Jaime; it means she had had a chance to carry a memory of him, of what they shared, and the gods took even that away from her. _And, to make things worse, they grant me an infection just to make light of what I lost. Had this not happened, I'd have moved on with my life unaware of this. Now grief is inevitable. As if I'm not grieving enough!_

She doesn't stop crying in time to hide her tears from her liege lady, but she only offers comfort instead. "I'm sorry", she whispers. "I cannot imagine how hard this must be for you."

She mutters many other soothing words, but Brienne can only think of how it should be Jaime comforting her in Sansa's place. The wound in her heart opens deeper with each sob.

Days go by, and, despite the maester's efforts, her fever doesn't go away. He tries to massage her belly to expel all infected remains, but it never seems to work. She's in and out of consciousness most of the time, and her resolve to keep her emotional pain inside herself crumbles as she grows weaker in all senses of the word.

Both Podrick and Lady Sansa watch as she tearfully tells details of how Jaime left her and talks about how much she loved—loves—him. She can vaguely make out they are heartbroken over her words, but, more often than not, she can't see them well enough to discern their expressions.

Then, one day—she has no idea how much time has passed since the fever first came—the maester declares he has done all he can to heal her, and now all that is left is alivietaing her suffering. She hears Podrick scream and Lady Sansa sob, and she tries to give them a reassuring smile. When her liege lady kneels in front of her, asking whether she wants milk of the poppy in order to sleep, she doesn't answer. Instead, she says, "It's alright, my lady. My baby will be waiting for me, and so will my mother and my siblings."

Perhaps her father awaits her in the afterlife too. It's been years since she last heard of him; for all she knows, he's dead as well. If the gods are kind, Jaime—her Jaime, not the one who left her for Cersei—will be there, ready to embrace her like he did so many times.

Assuming her to be delirious, Lady Sansa asks Podrick to give her the poppy. She wants to refuse at first, but thinks better of it. The poppy will give her sweet dreams as she drifts away from this world, dreams better than the painful reality. So she doesn't fight it as Podrick pours the cup down her throat while sobbing.

* * *

She doesn't dream of Jaime, or of her deceased family. Instead, when she opens her eyes, she is greeted by the vision of what she immediately recognizes as her old chambers in Evenfall. She's lying on her bed, dressed in the nightclothes she used to wear in her youth, and she can _feel_ herself younger.

 _Out of all things to dream about…_ She rises from her bed, looking for her small mirror. A quick look confirms her suspicions: she's dreaming of when she was five-and-ten.

 _But if I'm dreaming, how am I so aware of it? How does everything feel so real? I've never dreamed like this before._ Perhaps it is an effect of the poppy? She had never drunk it before; her body's pain endurance has always been high, and, in the few times she wished for the drink, it wasn't available.

 _Dreams don't make much sense_ , she recalls. _If things play out in the way they used to back then, I'll know this isn't one._ But what else can it be, if not a dream? Did she go back in time after passing out—or dying (as it's most likely what happened)? It sounds ludicrous, but, as of now, it's the only alternative that makes sense other than this being an elaborate dream, which she never had. Her dreams are usually vague and nonsensical, even those who impact her emotionally in some way. Being able to conduct logical thoughts from beginning to end is not something she does while asleep.

Besides, time travel does not sound so absurd after all she's seen: dead men walking, White Walkers, dragons reborn, witches, a young man being capable of seeing the past, the present and likely the future—

 _Bran Stark_. She gasps. If anyone could have sent her back in time, it'd be him. Brienne never learned much about his powers as the Three-Eyed Raven, only that he seemed to have lost some sense of self after acquiring them, for he always insisted he was not Bran anymore, but time travel does not seem far-fetched to include on his list of abilities. But why her, and why here and now?

She sighs and begins to change her clothes. She won't get any answers if she remains in her chambers. She must go outside and see any signs of incongruences that might clue her that this is a dream, and, if not, why she was sent back to this exact point in time.

As she gets dressed, she inspects her room once again. Nothing looks out of place, although perhaps her memory is failing her. She was taken back to over thirty years ago; details of that time might easily be lost to her. For now, though, she allows herself to dismiss that suspicion and assume her current room is an accurate copy of her old one.

She takes one last look at the mirror before leaving. Her younger face is no prettier than her older one, of course, but there is a softness in it she didn't remember having until she saw it again. How would fifteen-year-old Brienne have reacted to Jaime?

 _With the same scorn I afforded him when we first met_ , she thinks. _I'd only see a kingslayer, a man without honor_ —Wait. If she is five-and-ten now, so must be Jaime. They were born in the same year, mere three moons apart; she found out by accident, when Sansa told her about the Queen's name day feast she was forced to attend while captive in King's Landing—she's slightly older than him.

Jaime has yet to become the Kingslayer. In fact, depending on which day she came back to, he has yet to be made Kingsguard, or even knighted. He told her about it in the month they spent together: how he visited Cersei after his knighting, how they had their first time and she 'lured him' to join the Kingsguard so they could stay together. He said that with some resentment in his voice, as if, decades later, he utterly regretted 'falling' for her talks. _It must have been wishful thinking of my part_ , she admits. _He went back to her, after all._

She shakes her head to dispel those thoughts, refusing to remember the hurt Jaime inflicted on her. He _died_ for it, and the Jaime she has access to now—if her predicament is a result of time travel instead of a dream—is not that man. If she knows anything about the man she loved, this Jaime must be a cocky boy with a golden heart underneath, not so different from the one she discovered over the years she got to know him and the month she got to spend joined as one with him.

Realization dawns on her, and she freezes with her hand midway to the door handle. If Jaime does not join the Kingsguard, he goes back to Casterly Rock to assume his place as his father's heir. Maybe he even becomes acting lord; if she remembers his tale right, Lord Tywin quit being Hand of the King _due to_ his son's admission to the Kingsguard, meaning he would have stayed otherwise. Tywin Lannister remaining in his office could mean huge changes in the war that followed…

 _But without Jaime joining the Kingsguard, who would? And would this person make the hard choice to save King's Landing from wildfire?_ To be entirely honest, Brienne still doesn't know whether she'd do what he did or not. She'd stop the pyromancer, yes, but would she have gone as far as killing Aerys to prevent him from giving any more orders? Or would she have stopped at that, probably allowing the other pyromancers to carry the order out regardless?

 _I don't need to wonder what I would have done back then_ , she realizes. _I know what must be done when the time comes._ A woman in the Kingsguard is unheard of; she was the first in history, thanks to Renly—a feat that may never be recognized, depending on how the young Baratheon will go down in history. However, the current king is mad. If Cersei, a random noble girl, convinced him to name her Hand's heir to the order, tricking him into making history by welcoming a woman may not be so hard.

However, that can only happen if she was sent back _before_ the tourney in Harrenhal. That was where Jaime was appointed Kingsguard, so that is where she must go if she wants to say the vows in his place. She remembers her father left her in Tarth as he traveled; all she needs to do is to convince him to take her. The rest she'd think about on her way there.

She motions to open the door, but stops herself once again. _Why_ did she just plan to take the Kingsguard in Jaime's place? Why sacrifice her own inheritance—for she already is her father's only living child—for a boy whose older self left her to die with his sister-lover?

 _Because you love him_ , she reminds herself. _Because, despite his last action, he made you feel loved for an entire moon turn with his kisses, his touches, his words and even the way he looked at you. Even if it was all a lie, he cared enough to pretend to love the woman who warmed his bed at night. And because now he is only a boy, unaware of most of the evils of the world. He only laid with Cersei once, and he is not the Kingslayer, his spirit broken by the realm's disgust at his finest act. He can still be saved, unlike the Jaime I lost_ — _unlike my lost child's father._

Her hands go to her stomach. It's hard from all the muscles she's built since she was ten years old, with none of the softness a pregnant belly would have. Was she even afforded that softness before losing her baby? She can't remember any changes on her body before those awful days of intense bleeding. _Probably not_ , she concludes, _it was too soon._ For a fleeting moment, she wonders whether Jaime would have realized it, had he stayed. He always looked at her body with rapt attention, as if trying to memorize every inch of it. _No, no, no; don't think like that. You were little more than a whore to him._ It hurts to think of their relationship that way, but how else can she call it, if he did not love her in the end?

Regardless, her wish to rescue him from a dark future is too strong to be ignored, and she loves him too much to leave him to his fate. Besides, if she is admitted to the Kingsguard now, there is plenty of time for her father to remarry and sire new children. He's always refused to, in memory of her mother, but the complete lack of heirs would drive him to do it.

(Is she really going to submit her father to that kind of suffering for _Jaime_? By the gods, she wishes the answer wasn't such a firm _yes_.)

Taking a deep breath, she finally opens the door and ventures outside. Her reverie will have been all for nothing if this turns out to be a dream, or if she arrived too late to stop Jaime's admission to the Kingsguard.

* * *

It doesn't take her too long to find out that no, this is not a dream, and yes, she was sent back before the tourney. By her account, Jaime must have just been knighted.

Convincing her father to let her come with him to Harrenhal is easier than it would have been back then. Years of hardship were useful for building some confidence within her, and it showed when she went to her father with her request. He even commented he has never seen her so sure of herself.

She trains with Ser Goodwin, trying to play her skill down so he won't ask questions. He still looks impressed by her quick improvement, but attributes it to her effort and her lineage—being a direct descendant of Ser Duncan the Tall does have its perks.

Septa Roelle is as unforgiving as always, but now Brienne knows better than to be hurt by her words—for she was right, after all. Jaime had made her believe, for a month, that she could be desired and loved despite her looks and mannish behavior, but it had all been lies in the end, and the truth was indeed in the mirror. Still, she's relieved when the woman stays behind in Tarth as she and her father leave for Harrenhal.

Although the tourney's preparations and the presence of so many tents changed the castle's appearance, Brienne is still brought back to her time there—or rather, to all the moments she shared with Jaime there. It was in one of its baths that he spilled the truth that changed her entire opinion of him, and it was in its bear pit that she began to fall in love with him. It's too much, so she's grateful that her father chose to stay outside rather than accept Lord Whent's invitation to stay in one of the castle's countless chambers.

 _Lord Whent… gods I feel so old_ , she muses. By the time she left Tarth back then, House Whent had been essentially extinct, with the last two members—mother and daughter, the one whose name day prompted this very tourney—killed by Lannister men. Lord Whent died in Robert's Rebellion, and so did his four sons and his brother, Ser Oswell of the Kingsguard. Way before that, the only other Whent died in the birth bed, no longer being addressed by her maiden name, but by her married one instead—Minisa Tully, wife to Hoster Tully, mother of Edmure, Catelyn and Lysa.

The thought brings her back to her brief time serving Lady Catelyn. Her eyes search for the Tully banners, only to realize that they must certainly be inside Harrenhal, as Lord Whent's overlord family and honored guests. In fact, she won't be surprised if all Great Houses are settled inside, and the wolf, trout, lion, flower and stag banners all belong to common soldiers' tents.

Choosing to remain in her shirt and breeches rather than changing to a gown that won't suit her well, she takes a stroll inside the likely haunted castle. The yards where Jaime was pushed to the ground are occupied by three sets of bleachers, painted with what she assumes to be House Whent's colors—yellow and black, not unlike House Baratheon.

She walks around in search of the bear pit, but is interrupted when a figure catches her eyes. The man—boy—is turned on his back, but the golden hair is unmistakably Lannister, and its length—hitting his shoulder but not going an inch beyond that—is suspicious at best. He is not wearing armor, but a crimson jacket combined with beige breeches instead, which is distractingly form-fitting.

She'd recognize those back muscles anywhere.

She takes a step back and tries to leave, but, as if sensing her presence, he turns to her. She holds her breath as he looks up and down at her and, with wide eyes, walks to her. His expression speaks of recognition, but how, if they never met before Riverrun—

"Brienne", he calls, voice soft and exasperated at the same time. "What are you doing here? You're not supposed to have come?"

She blinks. How does he know her name? Granted, perhaps she looks so much like her father that her identity is obvious, but that is not what the familiarity with which he says her name speaks of. Also, on what ground does he state she should not be in Harrenhal?

Gods, no. It cannot be… but it's the only plausible explanation.

"You came back, too", she whispers. He nods, with a steadiness that indicates he came to that conclusion as soon as he saw her. "Why?"

"I have no idea", he replies quietly, lowering his eyes to the ground. "Why are _you_ here?"

"I don't know either", she admits, "but I had planned to find a way to keep you from joining the Kingsguard." At that, he raises his head abruptly. "To save you from becoming the Kingslayer", she adds.

His eyes glimmer with unshed tears. "I'm sorry, Brienne", he whispers. "You came here to rescue me, but it's too late. I'm already hateful." Then he rushes past her, once again leaving her alone and heartbroken. But why would she expect it to be any different?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- The Tourney at Harrenhal was held for Lord Whent's unnamed daughter's nameday. By the time of the first book, the only Whent mentioned to be alive is his wife (who is not Whent by birth) and a woman married to a Frey, whose relation to the main branch is unknown. Ser Oswell Whent was indeed his brother, but Minisa Whent (later Tully) being his sister is a headcanon to fill in the blanks, as her relation to the main branch was never explained either.  
> \- House Whent's coat-at-arms is a bunch of black bats floating over an yellow background.  
> \- Ser Goodwin and Septa Roelle are book characters who were prominent figures in Brienne's life.   
> \- In the books, Brienne lost her brother when she was 4-5, and her mother and sisters before that. The show never says whether she was always an only child or not, meaning either interpretation is valid.


	2. Let Her Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaime's thoughts on finding out Brienne went back in time as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title comes from Passenger's 'Let her go'.  
> I added the 'depression' tag before posting this chapter... precisely because of it. In fact, it's a warning that will last for most of the story. If Brienne is in dark place after the show's events... Jaime is no better.

He lets his tears flow as soon as he locks his room's door. Thank the gods his family was afforded chambers in the castle; he would not have this level of privacy otherwise.

When he woke up in his old chambers in Casterly Rock, following the feeling of a hundred bricks falling on his head as he held his sister, he quickly realized he had been sent back in time after his death. It could not be a dream, for dead people don't dream; after seeing the rebirth of dragons, dead men rising from their graves and the boy he crippled turning into a man who seemingly had access to past and present, time travel did not sound impossible.

Re-reading the missive from King's Landing that announced his nomination for the Kingsguard, to be confirmed in the tourney in Harrenhal, settled it for him that this was all a big prank played by the gods he'd long ceased to believe in. Why send him so far back, and yet not back enough for him to escape Cersei's influence in his life?

Being in the Kingsguard will inevitably drive him to kingslaying once again, which will lead to all the events that turned him into the vile, hateful man that did not deserve love. _I can still change some things, though_ , he thought. _I can reject Cersei, leave the Kingsguard when the opportunity arises. If I don't sire her children, there won't be a War of the Five Kings to push me straight to Brienne's arms. She won't ever know me, and her life will be better for it._

The thought of never seeing Brienne again pained him, but that's exactly what he signed himself to when he left her in Winterfell. The memory of her sobbing and begging for him to stay broke the remains of his heart every time—by now, there were only tiny shatters, and they still broke apart even more whenever his last sight of her came to mind. Still, he prayed that she'd move on quickly. She'd likely mourn him, being the kind woman she was, but who was he, in the end, but a man only fit to warm her bed?

No matter how hopelessly he loved Brienne, he knew he never stood a chance. She was far too wonderful for someone like him, whose life was so full of evil deeds done for the sake of a vile woman who never truly cared for him, only for what he could offer: a good fuck, (some) power, protection, blind loyalty, seed for her golden hairs—but not love. She never wanted his love, only pretended to want it to keep him wrapped around her finger. And it worked, up to the end.

Not that Jaime blamed only Cersei for the way his life ended up being. In fact, it was mostly his own fault. He could excuse his child self for failing to see Cersei's actions for what it was—perhaps she didn't realize it either back then—but what of his older self? He should have gone straight to Casterly Rock after the defeat of the Kingswood Brotherhood. He should not have given himself to Cersei in that inn, or at least he should not have let his judgement be clouded by the warm feeling of her cunt. He should have accepted his duty and married Lysa Tully instead of accepting Cersei's scheme to get him into the Kingsguard.

But maybe he was still too young to understand what he had gotten himself into. Still, after the rebellion he had plenty of opportunities to do things differently. He and Cersei risked too much by keeping their affair while in court, and it eventually blew off their faces. His vilest act, pushing Bran Stark down the window, was all for nothing in the end. The young man correctly assumed he did it to protect his family, but it had the opposite effect: it was the first step into a war that decimated entire noble houses, destroyed the realm and cost him the very family he tried to save.

It was also the war that introduced him to Brienne, though. Brienne, whose looks repulsed him at first, only for him to end up finding her dazzlingly beautiful. Brienne, whose eyes first looked at him with disgust, only for it to change to awe when he knighted her—his only good deed in several years. Brienne, who carried a strength and a gentleness that surprised and charmed him. Brienne, whose morals forcefully reminded him of the knight he had once aspired to become, only to realize it was too late for him to do so. Brienne, whose kisses and touches made him feel loved and happy for an entire month, until reality came like a bucket of cold water.

Cersei and Euron had done what everyone thought impossible: killed a dragon. Daenerys Targaryen's forces were dangerously depleted, likely a result of going to battle without resting from the previous one. His sister had a real chance of winning now, and the Dragon Queen would certainly be even more vicious in her attacks.

If his twin won, she'd punish everyone who didn't follow her blindly, him included. Brienne would, undoubtedly, be targeted; their exchange in the dragonpit was unlikely to go missing. She had already sent Bronn to kill him and Tyrion; depending on what the sellsword told her, she'd either try to kill him again, or go for the woman who 'stole' him from her clutches.

If Daenerys won… he could not imagine a happy ending for him either. Even if his brother convinced her not to execute him for killing her father, he doubted she'd allow him to stay with Brienne. Not to mention that the first woman knight in Westeros would probably stay as Sansa's sworn shield—Sansa Stark, who never liked him (rightly so) and only allowed him to stay out of trust in Brienne's word. She could maybe ask for release to go back to Tarth, but would he be allowed to follow her there? Would he be allowed to marry her? He doubted he'd remain Lord of Casterly Rock with Daenerys as Queen, so what would he have to offer?

There was also the matter of Cersei's pregnancy. Although he wasn't entirely sure the baby was his—she had already fucked Euron when she announced to be expecting—there was still an innocent inside her, one that did not deserve their mother's fate. Still, what other fate would it be afforded? Cersei would only survive the war if she won, and she'd only win if she managed to get the last dragon killed before Daenerys launched it into the city.

It dawned on him that, just as he was (probably) responsible for impregnating his sister, he helped her become who she was. He rarely ever protested against her choices; he actually endorsed them and followed her commands like a dog. Even when he fell out of love, he stayed by her side, blinded by a sense of duty. He chose her, every time, and chose, and chose, and chose… until he was no longer afforded a choice.

Their only fuck after Tommen's death felt hollow to him. He almost refused, but then he feared what would happen should he do it. She was the Queen, and if she assumed he was rejecting her out of desire for someone else—which _was_ the case, for all he wanted was Brienne's blue eyes and tender touch—she'd be vicious, and both he and the woman (Brienne or whoever else Cersei assumed to be Jaime's new interest) would pay. No, he had to surrender to her wishes, and it was all his fault for not turning away from her when he should.

When he left King's Landing to go to Winterfell, he rode tirelessly until he reached the Crossroads Inn. He'd been so sure his sister would send soldiers after him. If that happened, he never knew, for the only person who found him was Bronn.

For an entire month, he allowed himself to imagine that he was free of his sister. That, in Brienne's arms, he'd find the happiness he craved for his whole life. But that news, along with Sansa's words, reminded him that he was unworthy of love and joy. That death was what he deserved, the only way to atone for all he did. For he was not a good man who lost his way and was beginning to find it back, no; he was an evil one, whose few good deeds could not erase the destruction he brought to the realm with his actions.

Westeros would be a better place with him and Cersei dead. Brienne would have a better life if he wasn't part of it. So he left.

He had not expected her to go to him and ask—beg—for him to stay. Her kind words and her soft touch nearly made his resolve crumble, but he could not be weak. He had to do the right thing and leave her, so she could have the opportunity to live a good life, without him to taint it. So he reminded her of his true nature and left without looking back, not even when he heard her sobs.

 _She will be alright eventually_ , he thought to himself as he rode to the capital. _Sooner or later she will realize it was for the best. She will find a worthy husband, someone who will love her better than I could, and she will thank the gods that I was stupid enough to ride to my death._

Then he was captured by Daenerys forces, the only surprise being that they were still outside King's Landing. Tyrion, with more kindness than he deserved, schemed to have him sneak Cersei out of the Red Keep and them out of Westeros. The prospect of living in Essos with Cersei left him with bitter taste in his mouth—he had once dreamed of it, begged his sister for it, but now that it was a real possibility, he'd rather drown himself in the Narrow Sea. Still, he agreed, if only to save the unborn child inside her.

He fought Euron and nearly got killed, but miraculously he made it to the Red Keep. He struggled to find Cersei, and, at each step, he accepted that he would not make it. His new goal was to guide his sister to the boat that awaited them while he dutifully stayed behind to let his injury finish its job.

Looking back, he was able now to notice that Cersei was not showing. Either she lost her baby, or she lied to him. It didn't matter; there was no way out, and the castle fell on them.

Waking up in the past felt like his punishment. What better one than to force him to relive his hateful life?

He was determined to change whatever he could, though, especially the events that would lead him and Brienne to meet. She deserved better to have him in her life again.

However, the gods seem to enjoy toying with him, for all of his plans crumble to the ground when he turns around from the bear pit in Harrenhal—the one in which he realized Cersei was no longer the sole owner of his heart—to see Brienne, looking younger but no less beautiful and staring straight at him. She shouldn't be there; despite being the same age, the two of them did not meet before Riverrun, meaning she did not come to the tourney where he was made Kingsguard. So how was she there this time?

The only explanation was that she went back in time as well. Her recognition confirmed it, and her next words broke him.

She came to Harrenhal to stop him from joining the Kingsguard. How, he has no idea, but her intention alone means that he was not successful in driving himself away from her mind. She still cares for him enough to try to rewrite his history… to try to save him from becoming the hateful man he is.

If only it wasn't too late.

* * *

The opening ceremony includes a small melee, one he must take part of to show his skills to the king he is meant to guard soon. He remembers winning the competition, thanks to his opponents mostly being young knights and younger squires. His victory pleased Aerys, who called Ser Gerold forward to conduct the short ritual that allowed him in the Kingsguard.

He sighs as he signs himself up once again. What would happen if he lost to any of those other men? Would the king still want him as his bodyguard, or would he pass the 'honor' to the winner? It is tempting to test the waters, but he shakes the thought away. It would be incredibly dishonorable to run away from his duty and deliver to someone who may not be prepared to do the right thing when the time comes.

Once upon a time, Jaime held on to useless pride: only he could have done what he did to save the city from wildfire. All the other knights, so attached to empty notions of honor, would have let Aerys burn King's Landing to the ground. Now, though, the thought burdens him. He's no longer entirely sure that he'd be the only one who'd kill Aerys if needed, but he doesn't want to risk it. He spent thirty years carrying the mark of the Kingslayer, he can do it again. He knows what must be done now to avoid more bloodshed.

 _I'll say the vows as dutifully as I did last time_ , he thinks. _Whatever Brienne has in mind, it won't work; I'll make sure of it. She will go back to her island and learn to forget me. Meanwhile, I'll try to convince the king to let me stay the night. If I succeed, I'll reject Cersei and I'll try to avoid a meeting between Prince Rhaegar and Lady Lyanna. That way, the rebellion can be avoided, and, even if I have to face the decision to kill Aerys, there will certainly be better opportunities to do it other than in the throne room with time against me and my father's men climbing the tower in the other side of the Keep to kill Elia and her children._

Speaking of Elia Martell and the Targaryen kids… _Even if I can't stop the war_ , he decides, _I'll find a way to save them. Perhaps I could find a way to save Rhaella, Viserys and Daenerys too. The Dragon Queen would not have turned mad if she had a home to grow up in, I'm sure. I may be hateful already, but hateful men don't always have to be villains. Perhaps, if I become a hero, nobody but Brienne will realize how hateful I am._

The mock melee is due to the next day, when the royal party arrives. Jaime is relieved that he won't have much time with his sister and, if he was a more careless man, he'd reach out to Brienne again. But his first act upon seeing her was leaving her again; he has no right to approach her.

Instead, he finds ways to watch her from afar. It is clear she's downplaying her skill when she trains with the squires, but her confidence—the one she seems to lose whenever she has to face some kind of social event, but shines in the field—is out in the open for everyone to see. He tries to hide his pride, but not that he's watching—after all, most people are. Brienne's presence in the training yards is quite the event itself, and her skills, even if somewhat hidden, draw eyes, especially the more trained ones.

"She could grow to be as able as any other knight", Ser Arthur muses next to him, startling him.

He glances at her as she throws a riverlander to the ground. "Yes, she could", he agrees, trying not to sound soft.

If his mentor notices any change in his voice tone, he doesn't show it. "A pity women can't be knights", he laments.

"Why not?", he says before he can stop himself, his mind drifting to Tormund Giantsbane righteous indignation at this forsakens realm's traditions. "Any knight can make another knight", he adds, echoing himself.

Ser Arthur doesn't look at him with amusement, but with a contemplative look. "And what do you suggest, _Ser_ Jaime?"

He looks down. "If she wants it, and her father allows it, take her as your squire. Actually, her father would be mad to refuse it. Squiring for a member of the Kingsguard is an honor men would kill to have."

He hums. "Why don't you do it? You are to become Kingsguard soon, from what I've heard."

"You _just_ knighted me", he argues, trying not to laugh at the thought of teaching Brienne anything. "Even if I do become Kingsguard, it will be a while before I'm fit to have squires and teach them properly. You are a better choice for anyone, her included."

Ser Arthur doesn't answer right away, but he eventually does. "Let's see how this tourney unfolds. I might just do as you suggest."

He leaves Jaime to his thoughts, and he realizes what he's done. Brienne squiring for Ser Arthur will be great for her growth, but it will also mean their paths will inevitably cross, and often—especially if he manages to avoid the rebellion somehow, as Ser Arthur would not follow Rhaegar when he and Lyanna disappeared. _I just fucked with my own life_ , he realizes, _and hers._ _I'll never have peace of mind with her near me, and neither will she. I really am hateful, aren't I?_

The thought leans so heavily on him, he sees no other choice but to leave as well, even though he wants nothing more than to stare at Brienne all day. He does not deserve to be blessed with such a sight, anyway.

* * *

Just as he remembers, the arrival of the royal party is so messy, neither Cersei or his father come to see him, much to his relief. He goes to train in the yards, making sure his path doesn't cross with Brienne's.

It's the middle of the afternoon when the melee is announced. A man recites the list of competitors, and Jaime startles at the mention of a mystery knight. There were none of them in that melee when it originally happened; the only mysterious fighter had been the infamous Knight of the Laughing Tree, whose identity was never found. He never even got to see him, only hearing about him when the royal party returned to the Red Keep.

Realization dawns on him: it must be Brienne. He remembers her tale of how she got a place in Renly's Rainbow Guard: she fought all of her opponents in a melee, even Loras Tyrell, all while wearing full armor to hide her identity. _She means to defeat me, and she is perfectly able to._ He fixes his helmet and tightens his grip on his sword. No, he won't let that happen. With two functional hands, he is more skilled than most knights in Westeros; he'll make sure that, if the two of them face each other, she won't stand a chance against him. _I won't let the white cloak soil you as it did me, Brienne. I know what you're doing, and I won't let you become hateful like me. Not when you're goodness personified. The Warrior and the Maiden._

The fight begins, and although he wishes he could face the 'mystery knight' right away, Brienne positioned herself as far from him as possible, likely on purpose. Time goes by and, as predicted, he defeats his opponents one by one, as Brienne defeats hers. He focused his gaze on the men fighting him to avoid being distracted by what certainly is a show-stopping performance on her part. He remembers being awed by her in the battle in Winterfell; he doubts things are different now.

Finally, only the two of them remain. As soon as they begin to duel, any doubts he has that it's Brienne under helmet disappear. It's the exact same style, and she's not holding back like she did in the yards. She's as determined to win the fight, and so is he.

However, although he's more skilled with the sword, Brienne's body is stronger than his, and she uses her weight against him. Suddenly he's on the ground, her armored form looming over him, her sword pointed at his collarbone. In a kinder world, they'd be smirking at each other, and Jaime's head would be full of thoughts of how he'd get his 'revenge' in bed. But this isn't a kind world, and all that is left to Jaime is to yield.

Aerys' laugh echoes around as Brienne, still wearing her helmet, helps him stand. He takes advantage of it to turn his gaze away from her and to the king. "The Lion of Lannister, defeated by a mystery knight! Ha, ha, ha! Show us who you are, Ser! Show us who stomped on this boy's ego!"

The helmet is lifted, and Jaime is the only one not surprised to see Brienne's face. "A woman!" Aerys exclaims, and laughs again. "Jaime Lannister was defeated by a woman!" _She's a truer knight than any man will ever be_ , he thinks, trying not to look angry at the Mad King's mockery. "Tell me, _woman_ , what is your name?"

Her voice does not waver. "Brienne of House Tarth, Your Grace."

"A lady, then", he proclaims, sounding a little lucid. _He did have his lucid moments_ , Jaime recalls. _They were just so few and far inbetween, it was easy to forget them._ "Well, if you defeated a knight, it is only fitting that you are knighted as well. Women are not usually knighted, but I'm king and my word is law. So, _Jaime Lannister_ , why don't you do the honors? It is only fair that you recognize her worth, now that she bested you."

The crowd cheers, although he cannot be sure whether it is out of genuine excitement or to please the king. He turns to Brienne and, like in that beautiful night, it's like there are only the two of them in the world. And yet, everything is different, for she doesn't look at him with awe and surprise, but with hurt and fear.

She kneels, and he grabs his sword from the ground. His voice trembles when he repeats the words he said in another life. While it's an honor to knight Brienne again, the fact that she clearly doesn't want it stings and makes him want to cry. She deserved to be knighted by the Sword of the Morning, not by a hateful nobody who left her coldly in the night.

Seeing the hurt in her eyes for the entire ordeal makes him realize that it doesn't really matter what he thought when he left her. It doesn't matter that he wanted to protect her from himself, from Cersei and all the dangers that being with him ensued. It doesn't matter how much he loved—loves—her, and how happy he had been to be able to make love to her every night, unafraid of being caught for the first time ever. What matters is that his last meaningful action was leaving her and hurting her.

He truly, truly is an evil man, unworthy of any joy. And gods are seeing that he spends every moment of his new life in misery. He only wished Brienne wasn't paying the price as well—but that is what he's always done, isn't it? Dragging her into the mud with him, no matter how hard he tries to spare her.

She doesn't smile when she rises, and she doesn't smile when Ser Gerold is called forward to make _her_ recite the Kingsguard vows instead of him—for, according to Aerys, he trusts her better than him to protect him. _If only His Grace knew what she has in store for him_ , he thinks. For a moment, he allows himself to feel pride. But only for a moment.

* * *

Like him back then, Brienne is ordered to go to King's Landing on that same night, while everyone else enjoys the first feast of the tourney. Cersei approached him earlier, saying she'd wait for him at the feast, but he can't go there without seeing Brienne first. Not only is he too weak to let her go without saying goodbye, she must be informed of what awaits her. She must be prepared.

Jaime not joining the Kingsguard means his father won't resign and leave the capital, and neither will his sister. Staying in Harrenhal gives him more opportunities to stop Rhaegar from meeting Lyanna Stark and deciding to disappear with her. No rebellions means she will live with the royal family and the other members of the Kingsguard, and must be prepared in case the prince does act against his father, as Uncle Kevan once said his intentions were before running away with Robert's betrothed.

Her father is there, probably helping her with packing. He looks understandably sad—he just lost his only heir to the Kingsguard, after all—but sees no trouble letting him inside her tent.

Brienne, however, is very displeased to see him. "What are you doing here?" She asks coldly. It feels like a stab in his heart, but this isn't about him.

However, seeing her so young and fragile and fucking beautiful clouds his judgement. Instead of warning her about the dangers of the court, he falls to his knees, grabbing her hands. "Don't do this to yourself, Brienne", he begs, half-choking. "Don't go to the dragon's den, don't risk your life and honor this way. You are worth more than this. Come with me, we'll take a ship to Essos in the dark of the night. No one will find us there."

It sounds too much like when he asked the same thing of Cersei, so it should not surprise him when she answers in a similar way. "And do what? Live as sellswords, work for the Golden Company? I have a duty to the realm now, and I won't run away from it with you."

There is no difference in her tone, but her two last words hit him like a crossbow. "We don't have to stay together once we reach Essos, if that's your problem", he insists. "We can go our separate ways—just don't go to King's Landing, _please_. Don't sacrifice yourself for an unworthy cause."

"Saving half a million lives is not unworthy", she spats. "And why are you even here? Should you not be with Cersei? You should be happy; you'll get to be with her after all, no hundred miles standing between you."

The mention of his vile sister reminds him of his true purpose coming here. Of course, _of course_ Brienne won't leave her new post. Her sense of duty and morality are among the things he loves about her, and it'd be wrong to try to strip them from her, no matter how much he wishes for her safety. "Even if I wanted to be with her", he replies, as calmly as he can, "it won't be possible. With me going back to Casterly Rock, my father will remain in King's Landing, and so will Cersei."

She blinks, surprised, and he takes the moment to stand up. "That's my actual reason for coming here, Brienne", he continues. "I can't protect you from that nest of vipers and dragons, but I am duty bound to at least warn you of them. Besides my father and my twin, there will be the Spider watching over you—"

"The Spider?"

"That's Lord Varys' nickname. You remember him, don't you? He was last seen with Daenerys Targaryen—who, by the way, has yet to be conceived."

She frowns. "That bald man who always hid his hand under his sleeves?" He nods. "I remember him, yes. What is he doing in King's Landing?"

"He's the Master of Whisperers. Probably the only one other than me who found out about the wildfire plot and lived, though neither of us ever mentioned it to one another." In fact, he and Varys rarely ever talked. There was no real reason to. "Your eyes are very expressive, but do watch out not to let out that you know what's to happen. You can't have him grow suspicious of you."

She nods slowly. "Anything else?"

"Princess Elia is reclusive, but socially graceful", he adds. "You might not see her much, for she and Prince Rhaegar usually spend their time in Dragonstone, but she was in the capital in the final months of the rebellion. She's physically frail and needs protection whenever possible, especially with two children in her arms." He runs his hand through his hair. "Most of the court tries to win the king's favor in ridiculous ways. They are, frankly, unimportant. Try not to pay too much attention to the king either. You won't be able to stop him from doing anything, and it _will_ hurt to watch." He sighs. "And Cersei won't make your life any easier."

"Why?", she asks. "I'm just a Kingsguard."

"She may remember her past life", he warns. "I haven't had the chance to find out. If she does, you'll be a threat, one she will do everything within her reach to get rid of. Even if she doesn't remember you, she'll see you as someone to toy with. You are everything she wanted to be when we were young: strong, powerful and with a sword on your hip. She envies you, and she will look for any insecurity you might have to attack you with it. Don't let your walls down around her—in fact, the only people you might be able to relax around are the princess and Queen Rhaella. Otherwise, leave whatever feelings you have in your chambers. It's the only way to survive the court."

By the end of this speech, he's panting with anxiety. Brienne's face is unreadable. "I don't understand", she eventually says, frowning. "Why would I be a threat to Cersei if she remembers her past life?"

He takes a deep breath to calm down. It's the closest he will ever get to telling her the truth behind his departure. "The dragonpit", he says. "Don't think she will forget our talk there so easily. Had she won the war, Brienne, you'd be on her list. On its top, probably."

Her eyes go wide, leaving him weak on the knees. "But _why_?"

Miraculously, he swallows a hysterical laugh. "Because you stole her toy", he replies bitterly, "and she has never been one to share." He takes another deep breath and, before she can reply, adds, more softly, "I'll pray for your safety, Brienne, and that you never have the misfortune of seeing me again. Goodbye, my lady."

Then he leaves the tent, unwilling to see her reaction. _Goodbye, my love_ , he thinks as he heads to the dreaded feast. _I shall miss you until the end of my days._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was supposed to cover the entire tourney, but I had to split in half after reaching 5k words.  
> Do you think Cersei went back in time too? Or are Jaime and Brienne the only ones who did?


	3. Think of Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaime makes efforts to rewrite history at the tourney.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title comes from 'Think of me', from The Phantom of the Opera.  
> Jaime may be depressed, but he's still functional, so he might not be relatable to many people who have gone through depression. Functional depression is a thing, I know (I had it myself in my teenage years), but not commonly acknowledged.

Despite his wish to go back to his room inside the castle and cry himself to hollowness, Jaime knows he must attend the feast if he wants to make any significant changes. He mentally lists what he can try to do.

 _Stop Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark from meeting_. It's his most important task. Whether Lyanna Stark had been willing or not, their disappearance still prompted a war, one he is eager to avoid.

 _Stop Ashara Dayne and Ned Stark from meeting._ She is the rumoured mother of Jon Snow. As useful as the bastard turned out to be, warning the realm of the White Walkers, Jaime figures he can be replaced by virtually anyone else. Had Jaime made it to the Kingsguard, his plan included trying to get Robert to send him to the Wall so that _he_ could be the one to warn the realm of the threat when the time came.

 _Find out who the Knight of the Laughing Tree is_. A side task at best, but something tells him this information is important. He could even offer to look for him as a way to 'mend his reputation', supposedly wounded by his defeat—as if he'd ever mind losing to Brienne.

 _Find a match for Cersei to send her away from King's Landing._ A nearly impossible task, as his sister's dream to get Rhaegar for herself was fueled by their father's ambition, but he should at least try.

 _Get out of my betrothal to Lysa Tully._ Another side task, but one he feels honor bound to do. He has no fond memories of the woman, especially after she married Jon Arryn, but, if his main goal works, there will be no need for her to wed the old man. Perhaps this Lysa likes the idea of marrying Jaime Lannister, but he knows he won't make her happy. Just like last time, his heart already belongs to another; his inability to love Lysa will only make her miserable. She should be afforded the opportunity to take a third route, one that might actually be pleasant.

When he arrives at the feast, Cersei is already dancing with Rhaegar, much to his dismay. As he makes his way to the dance floor, he finds Ashara Dayne standing in the corner, alone. _Perfect_ , he realizes, changing his steps to head to her direction. "May I have this dance, my lady?", he asks with his most charming grin.

She grins back and takes his hand. "You may."

As they dance to the song— _The bear and the maiden fair_ , how cruel can the gods be—Jaime takes his time studying her face, looking for any resemblance to Jon Snow. There is none; the bastard had been wholly Stark. But something else draws his attention: her violet eyes.

 _Ser Arthur has those eyes too_ , he remembers. _Is this a Valyrian trait? If it is, it'd explain why Jon Snow was able to ride a dragon._ The sight of the Stark bastard flying alongside Daenerys Targaryen always irked him. He had been taught that only Targaryens—true or baseborn—were able to ride dragons in the past, so it was odd that a wolf had tamed one. Granted, said wolf was the dragon queen's lover, so maybe it was due to that, but still.

From the corner of his eye, he sees Ned Stark dancing with a woman he can't recognize, then turns his attention to Ashara. He holds nothing against Jon Snow himself; the lad had been somewhat likeable, despite his apparent perpetual exhaustion—he's fairly sure he slept through his mock trial when he arrived in Winterfell. The problem is that Ashara was driven to suicide at the end of the war, probably by the combination of her brother's death and the loss of her children—after Ser Barristan spilled once that she had given birth to a stillborn girl, he assumed she'd had twins, and only Jon Snow survived the delivery.

House Dayne did not last long after Ashara's death, and Dawn was all but lost, hung forever in the halls of an empty Starfall, unreacheable when they needed it the most. It is not something he wants to see happening again, so if he must sacrifice a pair of twin babies, so be it.

Ashara smiles at him when the song ends, and he smiles back before finding himself dancing with Lord Whent's daughter.

* * *

Cersei ends up not talking to him, but her burning eyes tell him all he needs to know: she's angry, jealous that he danced with so many other girls and not with her—their paths never crossing the entire night. Once upon a time, he would have been just as jealous, and he'd look for her for some heated make up sex. Now, though, he just feels empty and missing Brienne, the only woman he wanted to dance with.

(He had once convinced her to dance in her chambers. They were naked, and about to make love for the second time, when she began to hum _Jenny of Oldstones_. He pulled her from the bed and urged her to dance with him like she did with Renly Baratheon and, after much prodding, she gave in. it was ridiculous, and their laugh carried on to the bed, but few things felt as right as holding her close and resting his head on her shoulder while she did the same.)

She doesn't go to his chambers after the feast either, but someone else does. He hears a knock on his door just as he begins to unlace his shirt, and quickly laces it back before opening it to see Lady Dayne. "May I come in?", she asks, in a voice that is certainly made to be seductive.

He doesn't really want to, but he fears what might happen if she is left standing in that corridor. So he lets her in, already planning to send her out after a while. She bats her eyelashes at him. _She's bold, I'll give her that._ It reminds me of Cersei, which is a sure way to turn him off.

"What brought you here, my lady?", he asks, faking obliviousness. "It is late already."

"I was hoping to continue what we started at the dance", she replies sweetly, once again reminding of his sister.

Even though she has been obvious from the start, her confirmation surprises him. "Oh", he lets out. "My lady", he continues, "I'm afraid we saw that dance under different lights."

She blinks, and her seductress mask falls. "You don't want me, Ser?"

He sighs. "I'm in love with someone else", he admits. "Besides, my father has a betrothal arranged for me. If we laid together, I'd dishonor you for nothing, and I personally think you deserve better than to ruin your reputation for someone you cannot even have."

For a while, she just stares at him, face unreadable—not that he ever spent enough time with her in his past life to figure her out. Finally, she says. "It's Lady Brienne, isn't it? The one you're in love with?"

He takes a step back. "I—"

"I saw the way you looked at her when you knighted her", she continues. "At the time, I thought it was the same awe everyone was feeling. It's not everyday you see a woman so good at fighting as she is. But… I don't know. You being in love with her seems fitting."

He gulps. "You're implying I fell for her at first sight."

"I know it wasn't at first _sight_ ", she replies with amusement. "My brother told me you had suggested to have her squire for him before the melee, so you saw her and admired her skill already. It's not far-fetched to assume it evolved to passion. Besides, you mentioned your betrothed as if she is not the same woman you fell for, and our newest knight cannot be the one you're engaged to."

He sighs. "Don't tell anyone", he asks.

"I have no reason to", she replies defensively.

"Thank you", he replies quietly. "My point still stands. Nothing good can come out of us getting together, even if we both wanted to. I know those… things are better accepted in Dorne, but you are one of the princess' ladies, are you not?" She nods. "I may be wrong, but I don't think the court will be as accepting as your homeland if word spreads that you gave your maidenhead away before your wedding." He is fairly sure it's what drove Princess Elia to send Ashara back home the first time around. Even if Elia herself saw no problem in it, the court would judge her harshly and unforgivingly.

It's her turn to sigh. "You're right", she replies, just as quietly. "Thank you for your honesty and your advice, my lord. I'm sorry for intruding your chambers."

"It's alright", he reassures her. "I wish you luck in your love life, my lady. May it turn out to be better than mine."

She smiles at him one last time and leaves.

* * *

Cersei storms into his chambers hours later, before sunrise. Clearly, he is not meant to have a good night's sleep. "Who came here earlier?", she demands as she lies above him, trapping him with her arms.

 _Of course she saw Ashara_ , he thinks, _even if no one else did._ "It does not concern you", he dares reply.

"It was a _woman_ ", she hisses. "I saw it. Did you two fuck?" He shakes his head. "Good", she purrs, pressing her chest against his. "Because you belong to _me_ and nobody else."

His shudders at the touch, not out of desire. Everything about that moment reminds him of their last fuck, and he has to fight every instinct to go away inside and think of Brienne. Cersei has never been gentle, he realizes, not even when she still had to work to get him definitely. "How is that even possible", he manages to say, "when we are not even together?"

"We will be", she purrs again, placing her hand on his hip. "Soon Aerys will tire of his new lady knight and dismiss her. If he doesn't, when I get Rhaegar to wed me, I'll convince him to release her and name you instead. I'll be Queen, and we'll be together, as we're meant to be."

How did he ever find that plan of hers good? Tyrion was right; she never hid her ambitions from him, and he still led himself to believe she loved him as he loved her. All lies, all lies. "And then what?", he inquires, knowing fully well the answer. "We'll spend the rest of our lives sneaking around to fuck each other, forever stuck in an illicitous affair?" He shakes his head. "No, Cersei. We are not meant to be, not if it's bound to make us both miserable. We ought to move on from each other while we can."

She stops her hand suddenly, just as it was on its way to his pelvis, and sits up abruptly. Her green eyes are on fire. "It was the _woman_ ", she spats. "She seduced you, and now you don't want me anymore."

 _She doesn't remember Brienne_ , he realizes, _if she thinks it's someone else who dissuaded me from pursuing her._ It's a relief, but one he has no time to dwell on.

"There is no woman", he insists, sitting up. "There is no place for any other in my heart." _Any other than Brienne_ , he means to say, but he obviously won't. Better to let Cersei think he's talking about her. "But neither of us will be happy with quick, secret fucks. I don't think I can handle sharing you with Rhaegar or anyone else, but we both know it's our fate to be driven apart. Only Targaryens are able to get away with incest, and even they are frowned upon for it."

He wants to say many more things, but that little speech is enough for his twin, though not for the right reasons. "When you come back to your senses", she says, "come find me. I'll be ready to forgive you and resume our plan. We are one person in two bodies, brother. Never forget that."

However, as she disentangles herself from him and leaves, he doesn't feel like something is missing. He only feels relief—but not happiness. Never happiness; he's unworthy of it. How could he dare to be happy even for a moment, when Brienne is in King's Landing because of him? Hurt because of him?

No, as long as Brienne is suffering, he shall never feel any joy. It's an easy vow to keep, he thinks.

* * *

He almost comes face to face with the Knight of the Laughing before he flees, which gives him an even better opportunity to volunteer to look for him.

And then he finds out _him_ is… _her_. Lyanna Stark. _Oh_ , he thinks as he approaches her, making sure they are alone. _It makes sense now_. Back then, it had been Rhaegar who led the searching party, according to Ser Barristan's tale. _This_ is what must have led them to meet.

He almost smiles in satisfaction. His plan worked before he could even consciously act on it! Still, he had things to do, fates to change. "My lady", he calls quietly, but she's startled just the same.

She stares at him with wide eyes. "I won't reveal you", he reassures her, "although you should probably give your shield to me, so I can show to the king and persuade him to stop looking further for you."

She nods and silently hands him the shield. "You were pretty good out there", he says. "Who taught you to joust?"

"I wasn't taught to _joust_ , per se", she admits quietly. "My brothers did teach me to ride a horse, though, and Ben said I could hold myself just fine if I tightened my grip on my lance all times."

 _Ben_ must be a reference to Benjen Stark, who he remembers as a member of the Night's Watch. He never knew what happened to him, but he was certainly dead by the time Jon Snow left the order and became King in the North. "He was right", he agrees. "I hope your future husband will allow you to practice more. You'd be a fine competitor in tourneys."

She huffs. "Robert Baratheon, allowing me to horse ride and train with a weapon? I expect it as much as I expect him to be faithful."

It's clear she is as happy with her betrothal as Jaime is with his. "It seems that you don't want to wed him", he says.

"I'd rather not marry at all", she replies evenly, "but, if I must, I wish I could at least choose someone who won't come to my bed after spending the night in a brothel. Did you know he already has a bastard in the Vale? Mya, they call her." He remembers a Mya Stone, yes. She must have been assassinated along with Robert's many other bastards when Cersei decided they were all a threat to Joffrey's claim. "Ned says he loves me, but how can I trust him, if he can't keep his breeches up now?"

He wishes he could say love changes a man, but he knows it's not true. His love for Brienne did not change his hateful nature, after all. "Why don't you talk to him?", he offers instead. "Or to your father, or to both. Surely you can find a compromise. Unless Rickard Stark is a Northern version of my father, he ought to care about your happiness."

She laughs at that, and he's reminded of Brienne's rare laugh. Actually, Lyanna Stark reminds him of her, if only for her obvious inclination to adventure. She carries a wild beauty, yes, although completely unlike Brienne's—well, no woman can compare to the lady knight who captured his heart years ago anyway. "I suppose it doesn't hurt to try", she decides. "If Robert can have his whores, I should have my sword, huh?" He nods. "Well, thank you, Lord Jaime. It was enlightening to talk to you, but I guess it's safer if I flee now."

"It surely is. Until next time, Lady Lyanna."

* * *

Many people ask him who the mystery knight was, clearly not believing that he told the king the truth, but he sticks to his tale that he only found 'his' shield.

The joust goes on. He manages to defeat Ser Barristan thanks to his memories of years of sparring against him, which brings him face to face with the prince. _That's my final chance to change history_ , he thinks, remembering how everyone talked about Lyanna Stark's crowning as Queen of Love and Beauty at the end of the tourney.

So, he gives all of himself in the joust, looking for the prince's weak points. He never saw Rhaegar fight, but his eyes are trained enough to spot openings, and he takes full advantage of it. Soon enough, the prince falls from his horse, and Jaime's only concern is to check if he's fine.

The crown of blue roses is handed to him, and he looks around. He had not thought that far, focused as he was in winning. Who to crown?

Lysa Tully? They are not officially betrothed yet, and crowning her would lead her on, so no.

Elia Martell? As princess, she was supposed to be a safe candidate—if he was Kingsguard. As an unmarried lord, crowning the princess could elicit rumours, especially because she was Dornish—people are way too quick to judge Dornish women as promiscuous. He was once one of those people, but Cersei taught him that such a trait was not exclusive to Dorne, and Elia herself was never caught cheating on her husband, not even after he ran away with Lyanna Stark.

Lady Whent, whose name day was the reason for the tourney and who held the title of Queen of Love and Beauty at its beginning? It was reasonable, and yet dangerous all the same.

Cersei is the safest choice. No one would bat an eye to him crowning his sister… but she would see it differently. She'd think he changed his mind, and he can't have that.

His eyes land back on Elia, who is holding Rhaenys' hand. He smirks. No one will bat an eye to him crowning a child either. He goes to the royal family's direction. "The Queen of Love and Beauty shall be Princess Rhaenys", he announces loudly. "May she break all the hearts when she grows up."

The crown is too big for the girl's head, who grabs it to play with it instead. Chuckles and cheers erupt from the crowd, and Princess Elia smiles politely at him. His job is done.

* * *

Since his father and sister are going back with the royal family, the western party goes with the riverlanders, the Northernmen and the Valemen. Robert Baratheon follows the Starks, and Hoster Tully invites him for the wedding between his daughter Catelyn and Brandon Stark—who is unlikely to die now, if his efforts had any value.

"We can even discuss the details of your betrothal to my daughter", he adds.

Jaime gulps. His father is far away; it's the perfect moment to address the issue, and he practiced a lot while in Harrenhal. "About the betrothal… My lord, I have some concerns I'd like to share with you."

Lord Hoster raises his eyebrows. "What is it that troubles you, lad?"

"As you know, my father married within our House", he begins, trying to sound calm. "And he is looking for a groom for Cersei outside the West. As his heir, I'm afraid that me _also_ marrying outside out lands might infuriate our bannermen for being left out."

"What about your brother?", he asks, sounding nothing but curious.

"Father only acknowledges Tyrion because he cannot prove Mother was unfaithful", he replies, not bothering to hide his irritation. "I've seen bastards being better treated. As long as Lord Tywin draws breath, my brother won't be allowed to marry, I fear." Memories of Tysha come to his mind, but he shakes them away. If he can, he will spare Tyrion the pain.

Hoster Tully nods. "I understand your concern, lad", he says, much to Jaime's surprise. "I'd like for Edmure to marry within the riverlands as well. In fact, I negotiated a betrothal between him and Kyra Frey. I was half-tempted to wed him to Lady Whent, but _my_ wife was from House Whent as well, so I thought to honor another vassal instead. Yes, I think you are right to look for a bride within the westerlands. Do you have any in mind already?"

 _Brienne_ , he thinks immediately, but shrugs instead. "My father was too focused on getting us matches between Great Houses that he barely introduced me to our own vassals."

"I see", he hums.

"My lord", he adds, "I don't want this alliance to go to waste, though. If you want, I could send my brother to be fostered in Riverrun—"

"A good idea, given what you just told me about your father's treatment of him", he says nonchalantly. "If you are keen on keeping our alliance alive, I'd also suggest having my son sent to the Rock. Your uncle Kevan is a knight, isn't he?" He nods. "He could squire for him. I'd say that he'd squire for you, but, truth be told, you are too young to have a squire."

"I agree", he replies. "Uncle Kevan will teach him well, if he so desires."

"It's settled then", he proclaims. "Your brother for my son, and you are free to look for a bride within your own lands."

He doesn't sound upset at all by their new deal, which brings great relief to him.

* * *

Despite their broken betrothal, Lysa comes to his tent to call him for supper in the woods. "All people our age are there", she says, linking arms with him.

She doesn't mention his conversation with her father, and neither does he. _If she already fancies Littlefinger,_ he muses, _she may not be so upset after all._ They walk in silence until they reach a fireplace, where many people are seated around: her siblings Catelyn and Edmure, the four Stark siblings, Robert Baratheon, Howland Reed, Ashara Dayne—who ended up betrothed to Ned Stark after all—and others he can't name easily. _And I'm being welcomed into their circle_ , he thinks in awe. _This is surreal._

He struggles to remember that this Ned Stark never called him Kinsglayer, that this Catelyn never threw a rock at him, that this Edmure was never his prisoner, that this Robert never mocked him, and that none of those people are dead. Out of all of them, only Jaime and Edmure survived the wars that followed, and he has no idea whether Lord Tully was still alive by the time of King's Landing's destruction.

Idle conversation is made as they eat half-burned bread. Everyone praises Jaime for defeating Ser Barristan and Prince Rhaegar, while making fun of him crowning Princess Rhaenys. The subject naturally changes to Brienne, and Jaimes tries not to react at her mention.

Lyanna uses her name to invoke her right to fight, which prompts a lengthy discussion which, surprisingly, ends with Robert agreeing with her. "How can I forbid my future wife to learn to defend herself", he says, "when the first female knight in history is from my own lands?"

Lyanna sends him a tiny victorious smile, and he nods at her. Then the topic of woman warriors is brought up, leading to tales from Bear Island by Jorah Mormont—who doesn't look much like the old knight who pined for Daenerys Targaryen—and from Dorne by Ashara.

It is a pleasant night, and Jaime sleeps well for the first time since he left Brienne. He still isn't happy, though, for he has a vow to keep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- Catelyn's wedding to Brandon was announced in 282, shortly before the Rebellion. It makes sense that it happened after the tourney, which is why I placed it there.   
> \- Robert wasn't in Storm's End when the rebellion began. His first battle was in Gulltown, implying he was either in the Vale or in the riverlands (where Lyanna went missing, and where the Starks were). Therefore, it makes sense to put him there.  
> \- Lyanna being the Knight of the Laughing Tree is a theory I subscribe to. Others say it was Benjen or Howland Reed, all with valid arguments.  
> \- House Dayne is known for its members' violet eyes, and some have light-colored hair. GRRM claims it is not a Valyrian trait in their case, but to be entirely honest, it doesn't fit the text's fixation on purple eyes and silver hair as Valyrian features. I still believe they have Valyrian blood, even if highly mixed. Also, in the show there are no mention to other Daynes; I can't even remember if Ashara was ever mentioned. Since so many characters had to be cut off, it's not far fetched to think the Daynes died out in the show.  
> \- Ashara's stillborn daughter was likely born months before Jon, but Jaime has no way of knowing that.  
> \- Mya Stone is never mentioned in the show, but, since the purge of Robert's bastards happened there as well, I figured it was all too easy to kill her off. In the books, she's Robert's eldest, and she's safely hidden in the Vale. (She, Gendry and Eric all survived the purge.)  
> \---------------------------  
> In this story, I'm following the show's statement that Rhaegar and Lyanna eloped solely out of passionate love. I'm also treating the prophecies as the show did: not real. As Jaime and Brienne were never around when said prophecies were brought up, they don't know about them, which is fine as they did not matter to show canon.
> 
> I want to know your thoughts on the events of this chapter! Jaime's actions already changed history a lot; how do you think the story will unfold from now on?


End file.
